Well, I’ve been trying to write this one for about two years now…
When someone gets pneumonia, generally speaking they’re laid out hard and have a short but intense period of treatment. But when someone gets walking pneumonia, it’s not as severe and they can manage school or work or whatever responsibilities they have, but they feel kind of awful and are legitimately sick. If the person seeks medical attention, maybe they’re listened to and maybe they pinpoint and treat the cause, but it still takes weeks and weeks to recover.
I feel like I had the breakdown version, like a walking breakdown. I guess that’s what burnout is. I could function but only barely. I did my work, since that’s what pays the rent, but I really wonder if I’d have been able to if I did not work 95% from home and didn’t have such a great team. After this, I was wiped out. I stopped socializing, actively ignoring texts from really wonderful friends who did not deserve to be ignored. I put on weight because I couldn’t keep my exercise routine up. I did some crafting and reading but didn’t enjoy it. I showered and changed my clothes when I couldn’t stand to be in the same room with me. When my ex-partner was traveling (he was gone for sometimes two or three months at a time), I ate the same things over and over, and indulged whatever sensory wishes I had at the time, not necessarily what was good for me. Absolutely everything was more annoying than usual: the lights, the sound of the refrigerator, my cats lying on me, the rain, the heat…
Seriously, two years of this.
But I’m back. In the past year, I have gone through so many experiences and changes, and with the help of some gold-stars people, I’ve gotten through it all and reached this very good (I think) place in my life. I’ve taken on a new department at work, I witnessed and supported both my little brother and my mother through open-heart surgery, and my partner of 27-28 years (we never knew when to count it from) split up. I’m currently navigating the divorce process, but we’re on good terms. I’ve figured out my diet and exercise so I’m back on track, fitting into old clothes again much more comfortably, which is both good for my brain but also the sensory aspect of feeling the fabric differently on my body. I return texts now and even go out once or twice a week, enjoying my city and my people. And I’m excited for the future, something that hasn’t occurred to me in so long.
I’ve started making notes of things I want to write about. This. Is. Huge. For. Me. I used to write through even the toughest times, but this burnout period just froze me. I would think about things to write about, but they always came in a panic, too fast for me to capture. I still get overwhelmed–I mean, I’m still autistic–but I no longer feel broken.
So, more soon, I promise!
Delightfully Quirky 